“Please excuse this interruption for today’s Memorial Moment…”

What follows is a rambling five minute explanation of a student’s life, detailing a student’s every action of the day—what time they woke up, what they had for breakfast, their daily plans—followed by a final inspirational message.

This has been the story of every school day since the beginning of the year, and students are starting to wonder why the announcements are so long, and why administration makes them listen to them every day.

It is not just the students who are complaining, but the teachers as well. A certain calculus teacher in the school timed the announcements, finding them to last a whopping ten minutes, and expressed his disappointment and resignation to his students.

Curiously, however, the very next day, this same calculus teacher was responsible for the day’s “Memorial Moment,” despite all claims against it. “Live every day to the fullest,” he stated, after a long pause on the loudspeaker. This, of course, prompted the students to investigate, a plan even more endorsed by the robotic voice that could only be one of the music teachers in our school.

In interviews with the aforementioned staff, a few very ambitious investigators, who had too much time on their hands, found out what really happens in the main office every morning. Teachers are summoned to a forbidden corner of the room and given a script on pastel paper entitled, “Memorial Moments.” Apparently, they are instructed to read their scripts as slow as they possibly can, so as to extend the announcements into the double digit minutes. When asked what the punishment is for refusal, all the teachers looked immediately distressed, and one muttered something about coffee.

The full extent of teachers facing these consequences and threats is currently unknown, but inside reports suggest that it is more far reaching than one could imagine. Besides making sure all children wear their IDs (which is a whole other story), the security guards have also been tasked with making sure all students and teachers are paying total attention to the announcements. People who were last seen talking about the announcements have mysteriously disappeared, and their teachers all skip their names in attendance.

As of now, no one knows how long the Memorial Moments will continue or if the school plans to continue them indefinitely. For now, there is nothing the students can do during announcements besides take the time to finish their work, say a final prayer before their test, or scan their teacher’s eyes for cries for help.