Students at NHP Memorial High School were left reeling this week after beloved math teacher Mr. Basil announced his departure from the classroom to pursue a music career. Republic Records, home to artists like Taylor Swift, Black Sabbath and Metro Boomin, offered Basil a multi-year record deal after a video of him dramatically singing on the announcements for his anniversary, as well as the quadratic formula, went viral on TikTok.  

“It started as nothing more than a joke,” one student recalled, still in disbelief. “He’d sing ‘x is equal to negative b, plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac, all over 2a’ as if it were the anthem of a rock opera. And before we knew it, he had a record deal.”

For years, Mr. Basil had been a staple of the math department, known for his theatrical teaching style. But what truly set him apart was his annual tradition of singing to his wife on the morning announcements. Every year, without fail, he would belt out a special song for her, turning a simple announcement into heartfelt performances. His ability to mix his passion for teaching with his love for his wife became a beloved, albeit quirky, part of the school’s culture.

However, it was his talent for turning complex formulas into stadium-worthy anthems that ultimately caught the attention of the music industry. The viral video, where Basil passionately belted out the quadratic formula to the tune of a rock anthem, generated millions of views. Music industry insiders were quick to recognize his potential. “It was as if the math world collided with arena rock.”

“I knew I had something special the moment the entire class started singing along. I mean, imagine walking into a math lesson and suddenly finding yourself in the middle of an arena rock concert, except instead of lighters in the air, it’s kids waving their calculators,” musician Mr. Basil said. “That’s when I knew. That’s when they knew. Republic Records heard me belt out the quadratic formula and said, ‘This is the future of music.’ And who am I to argue with destiny?”

“Basil is a true visionary,” a Republic spokesperson said. “We’re excited to have him join our roster.”

Basil’s debut album, Sine Waves & Heartbreaks, is set to drop next fall, featuring tracks like “Cosine My Heart,” “Nothing Else Factors,” “Sympathy for the Decimal” “Smells Like Sigma Spirit” and “Lucy in the Sky with Data.” When asked about one of the songs, Basil explained, “‘Cosine My Heart’ is about those moments when everything feels like it’s on an infinite wave, and you’re just trying to figure out the angle. It’s my version of a power ballad, with a little sine and cosine for flavor.”

As for NHP Memorial’s administration, they’re already preparing for what can only be described as a full-scale academic crisis. “We wish Mr. Basil the best, but frankly, we have no clue who can possibly replace him,” principal Ms. DeGennaro said. “The students have made it abundantly clear that unless the next math teacher can belt out test reviews like Rihanna at the Super Bowl halftime show, they’re not interested.”

Though he’s leaving the classroom, Basil insists he’ll never forget his roots. “Now, don’t get me wrong, leaving the classroom isn’t easy. Teaching at NHP Memorial has been the greatest experience of my life,” Basil said. “But this isn’t goodbye, it’s just a function shift. My roots here are absolute, and no transformation will change that. No matter how far life graphs me, this school will always be on my axis. And if you think I’m done singing about math, well… you haven’t solved for x yet.”