Water levels across the tri-state area have plummeted to historic lows, and local experts are pointing fingers in an unexpected direction: the hallways of New Hyde Park Memorial High School.
Since the student body embraced AI-assisted learning with what can only be described as reckless enthusiasm, residents from New Jersey to Connecticut have noticed their tap water running at a trickle. Long Island wells have allegedly dropped several feet, and at Tully Park, the swimming pool has been drained entirely. The scientific community, for the most part, has reached a consensus.
“The connection is clear, every time a student asks an AI to write their English essay, a data center somewhere evaporates another bottle of water. Multiply that by New Hyde Park’s student body, and the math speaks for itself, ” Greta Thunberg said.
Not everyone is convinced, however. Dr. Chet Geebetea, a self-described conservation expert whose credentials could not be verified at the time of writing, pushed back sharply on the theory.
“This is absurd,” Dr. Geebetea said, visibly frustrated. “Data center water consumption is distributed across global infrastructure. One high school on Long Island is not draining the tri-state area. I cannot stress this enough.” Dr. Geebetea then sat down and put his head in his hands.
Students, for their part, have not exactly been shy about their AI habits.
“I used ChatGPT for my entire AP Gov essay, my lab report and my college admissions essay,” senior Matthew Batting said. “And then I used it to write a thank-you note to my teacher. I did not type a single word myself this month.”
Senior Zarif Abrar was similarly candid. “Listen, if I have four assignments due and a club meeting, something has got to give,” Abrar said. “That something is all of it actually. My AI agents do everything, even writing this quote. I haven’t been to school or talked to anyone in weeks.”
Whether or not NHP is personally responsible for the municipal water shortages spreading across three states, one thing is clear: the school’s enthusiasm for AI shows no signs of slowing down. The custodial staff has reportedly begun rationing water in the second-floor bathrooms. Dr. Geebetea could not be reached for further comment, as he was seen typing away on a laptop, muttering about FRQs and The Great Gatsby.
